in the looking glass...

Here I am again, in front of my own judgemental eyes, waiting for the verdict...yup with only a few words, written in a message, I once again managed to walk all over my decisions, my rational sense....

I am still questioning the veracity of a first impression...If that wasn't necessarily hole, than why shouldn'it be the same both ways, deceiving and being deceived at the same time, it's like the dance that the birds master so, in order to show off their better fethers and win the pair they want...

But then again, as I decided some time ago, I'm trying not to judge myself so harsh these days..or at least I say it loud and for everybody to hear, and for myself to start believing..and still I put myself through the same torment and punish myself just as harsh as I did before...so has anything chaged?
Yes, my judgement over other people: at least I have managed to stop doing that and tried to make it up to the people that I have already hurt with my judgement of expected results and behaviours..

So the process of ongoing improvement has had the first noticeable victory, while facing the battle with born-in issues....but still has a lot more to go;

.. for sure the hard is yet to come, for I feel blamed and guilty of so many faults that my look will not raise from the floor, unless the looking glass changes the way I show myself to me...and writing this is one more way of putting me down, down in your eyes...
don't expect anything from me, for I am here to show you things are quite different than you imagine...
expecting me to live up to your expectations, or out of the contrary to do you only wrong, is the easiest way to estrange from me...

eu..un strain...